things to be thankful for: UCU edition

• alli she makes me food...nuff said
• dance parties ...in a kitchen...in a basement...in a living room...in a bedroom
  
• baking you can never have too many desserts...
• chair dancing with hannah party in the u.s.a. !
• volleyball "I want to dig balls too!"
• late lunch the conversation is always enticing...and the food usually is too
  
• ima buddies and I thought I would never go down there
  
• friday frolf late night campus adventures!
• tea apparently, my tastes have changed.
• conversation bound to make you rethink God, life, love, and everything inbetween.
  
• tv thursday the spectacular lineup of thursday night entertainment
• the INN if only there was a worship service like this every night...
• sketchway thanks for satisfying my food cravings...safeway
• monday night worship the diversity of this night thrills me!
• memos don't get the chicken burrito...
• group games "I have everything you will ever need..."
• water pranks watch out krypt and frat boys!
• husky sports the dawg pack is where it's at
• u-village what more could you need?
• the krypt a favorite hang out.
• roommates sisters I never had :)
• gallagher law library homework lifesaver
• the u-district crime, inflated prices, uneven sidewalks, puddles disguised as piles of leaves, yet still I love it.
• new friends!
  

things to be thankful for: home edition

• family that I can laugh with and make fun of :)
• work as much as it sucks sometimes, it keeps me busy, and I like that...also money is good to have hah
  
• never-ending supplies of ice cream peppermint for the holidays! and my all time favorite, creamy coffee
• church friends it wouldn't feel like home without them...
• my home church I miss worship team so very much.
• all the food my heart desires and then some for thanksgiving!
  
• peace an escape from all the bustle I (really do normally) love
  
• no chores at least not now since I am a visitor to my own home...
• an empty room for the first time in a long time, its nice just to have my bare essentials. no clutter, no mess
• time
• my thoughts they require the previous to be done.
• not having to wear shoes ...the UCU kitchen floor ehh
  
• finding out that people miss you I miss you too!
  
• not having to carry a key at all times i'm a forgetful person and UCU doors aren't forgiving...
  
• rupert is miles and miles away thanks juan...not.
• video games I love my macbook...but let's face it, if I want to play a little AoE, my home PC is about the only place to go.
• minimal noise I feel like i'm in a vacuum
• sleeping alone roommates are cool, but when I'm going to bed, I prefer being by myself.
  
• soft carpet never underestimate the desire of your footsies.
• the worlds largest supply of notepads my life would be in disarray if not for these little reminder pads.
• my car, theh jetta stick shift is so so fun to drive.
• the drumset I may now use sticks and drums instead of hands and chairbacks.
• brothers "going on a hot date?"..."looking like a scrub?"

UCU

Now that my life has slightly settled into that of a college student's, I have a tad bit of extra time to mention what I have been doing for the past month.
It has been
FANTASTIC.
and by that I mean, really really great.

In September, I went to see my cousins in Kansas for a week and a half. They are so much fun to be with and it is such a bummer that they live so far away :/ I miss them all the time.

God has allowed me to completely put past feelings to rest. A blessing that I have been waiting months for. He has also placed me in this delightful little community of UCU, full of people to support me and have a blast with. I am SO glad that I am here.

A few grand memories as of late:
- UCU initiation
- girls dance party
- tubing on deer lake
- 10 fingers relationship style
- FROLF across the UW campus at night
- staying up until 3 am in the kitchen with a community chocolate chip pancake
- angry old man swimmer at the IMA
- tribal council
and never-ending hilarious sarcasm.

oh but there are many more good times ahead.
such as:
- laser MJ
- doppelganger danz
- UCU halloween dance

I am also studying...hah

new phone

after two years with the samsung juke why did I want that phone? I finally have a new cell.

the motorola rival in purple and black yeaaa huskies!now I'm off to Kansas to visit my cousins until the 12th!

the worst feeling in the world.

As I was contemplating life today ...hah I thought, love is deemed the best "feeling" in the world, though it is so very much MORE than a feeling, but what is the worst?

A major one people think of is heartbreak, but I don't think it is. Yes, heartbreak is terrible, but in order to be heartbroken, you had to, at one point or another, have had the best feeling in the world. I think that definitely detracts from its terribleness then the never ending argument of if it is better to love and lose than to have never loved at all. And so I thought some more about what it could be.

Anger isn't great, but it definitely has a purpose and need in life.

bitterness
That is what I think. I googled for some back up and this is what I found:

• definition: an expression of severe pain, grief, or regret; a characteristic of intense antagonism, resentment, hostility, or cynicism; a feeling that is difficult or distasteful to accept, admit, or bear; misery
• what the doc says: bitterness as a mental illness?
• biblical commentary: "Bitterness is one of the most crushing mental problems in a person's life. When a Christian is bitter, there is a loss of close fellowship with the Lord and a hindrance in one's relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ...Bitterness is neither consistent nor rational. A bitter person is his own worst enemy...selfish [and] inconsiderate of others." A bitter person may also put themselves in a state of implacability (unteachableness) and reject Biblical truth.
• verses: James 3:14 - "But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your heart, don't brag and lie in defiance of the truth."
• Proverbs 14:10 - "The heart knows its own bitterness, and no outsider shares in its joy."
• Isaiah 38:17 - "Indeed, it was for my own welfare that I had such great bitterness; but Your love has delivered me from the pit of destruction, for you have thrown all my sins behind Your back."
  

It is SO easy to be bitter and nothing good ever comes of it. I pray sometimes to not be bitter and I now realize how very important that is.

oh technology...

I was setting up all my new apple products recently and I stopped to consider the amount of technology we have these days. If I wanted to talk to one of my friends or let people know what I was up to, there are over 20 ways of doing so without actually physically being with them. On my cell phone, Twitter, Facebook, Gmail, Myspace, and Blogger. On my itouch, Facebook app, Twitter app, and all of the above through Safari. On my laptop, all of the above. On my desktop, all of the above. Then of course there is Skype, texting, calling someone, and using the good old USPS. And I'm sure I forgot some.

So I was sitting in my room and wanted to get on the internet...what do I use? My desktop, my laptop, or my itouch? Insane.

Technology is great. Great. Great. Great. Buuut, sometimes I have to remind myself that there are much better ways to spend my time...and to be honest, the excess amount of information on the web and internet choices have recently left me with little desire to use the www often. Like on FB...do I really care that the girl I sat next to in freshman english just took 30 pictures of her boyfriend and her and is now going to go shop for some cute boots? and if i'm just going to hide her on my newsfeed, then why am I "friends" with her anyways? The amount of fake friending online is ridiculous. If I'm never going to talk to you in real life, then I shouldn't and don't care about talking to you online. Although I wish it were not so, there is always a rebound in internet usage once the temperatures drop and the school year sets in. But in my time away from the computer, I've found that I like talking on the phone more than I previously thought, that it's so so much better to be with someone talking than to be online talking duh, and that I don't need as much alone time as I once believed I did. Good thing too, because I will have 3 roommates in a little over a month! My summer has been fantastic. I'm a very organized and clean person but I mean I don't even have time to clean my room because I'm either working or with my friends all the time. The change is satisfying...but the room does need to be cleaned soon. heh.

Something I'm looking forward to alot in the coming months is being in new or altered relationships, places, and situations. Making a house of strangers my good friends, not working, surviving and thriving in relatively impersonal education, not having to tell my parents where I am at all times, diving headfirst into God's word, being transparent. feels goooood...

land o' maple leaves

This last week I had the pleasure of having Thursday, Friday, and Saturday off. I wanted to take a trip to Canada for a couple days but other people were not available so it ended up being a day trip on Saturday to Vancouver with Hannah(her first time in Canada)! I spent about 8 hours driving and 8 hours hanging around the city and now I have $8 in Canadian money (loonies and toonies!) that I don't know what to do with ha.

Driving in Canada was...interesting. I passed about 3 speed limit signs in the entire city (there were many on the freeway though) and they were all really slow. That's probably why everyone drove at least 10 km/h over the speed limit at all times and usually much more. And I understand the idea behind blinking green lights...but they make for incredibly dangerous intersections. My day included lots of parallel parking as well (which always makes me nervous) but that's what it took to get free parking so I did it. Also, there are no freeway signs in Vancouver...at least not for the actual freeway (99) but there was for the alternative freeway that goes through every town between the border and Vancouver, takes twice as long, and is named 99a. Whoops.

Itinerary.
7:00a - Leave
7:30a - Finish using the one broken gas pump at Safeway
10:00a - Enter Canada, laugh at Hannah's passport photo, feel accomplished, cry, take memorable photos10:30a - Enter Vancouver
11:00a - Sophie's Cosmic Cafe - yummy thick french toast and waffles with berries1:00p - Stanley Park, walk the Seawall, laugh at Chevron gas station floating in the water, chase Canadian geese3:00p - Vancouver Aquarium, jellyfish room, dolphin show, beluga whales6:00p - Downtown, Kin's Farm Market, Cobs Bakery, Tim Hortons8:00p - La Casa Gelato - lemon raspberry sorbetto, delish9:00p - Follow signs on 99a
10:30p - Finally arrive at border, realize 99a is not hwy 99, desperate need to use restroom, try to eat a foot long cucumber before reaching customs officer
11:00p - US soil
1:00a - Home



I've decided that jellyfish are my favorite seacreatures. I think they are incredibly interesting, beautiful, and mysterious. Someday, I hope to own one, however unlikely. That would be SO so cool.

The rest of the photos.

thoughts

Right now I am doing a one to one discipleship study at my church with our associate pastor's wife (I couldn't have been blessed with a better discipler) and last week was the "attributes of God" lesson. We had studied this at camp the previous week too so I was excited to get it from another angle as well. Attribute #3 was omniscient: all-knowing; infinitely wise. It said this:

• "Think of His omniscience in relation to the certain salvation of the believer. If God knows all [past, present, and future], then obviously nothing can come to light after salvation which He did not know when He saved us. Knowing all about us, He still forgave our sins and accepted us into His forever family."

Isn't that an incredible way to look at salvation!? I mean it really blows my mind. I knew this already, but I had never had it stated to me in this way. It's like me knowing every hurtful thing a person will ever do to me (whether in thought, word, or action) and still loving and caring for that person wholeheartedly. I could never do that. I cannot even fathom God's perfect love. In-cred-i-ble.

We also talked about the end times at camp and one of the girls asked, "Will there be marriage in heaven?" My immediate answer was no (Matthew 22:23-30) and some of the girls were a little upset? or confused? by it. Why wouldn't we have marriage in heaven? I wasn't really sure at first. After thinking about it for a few minutes and hearing my cabin leader say that marriage is God's gift of the most perfect love we can have in a sinful world, I got it. Heaven is the place of God's perfect love and while marriage is based on love, earthly love is flawed. In a place of perfect love, everyone loves everyone equally and to the glory and love of God so marriage would be absolutely contradictory in nature to that because of its exclusivity and imperfection. Earthly marriage is but a small taste of the loving relationship we will have with God in heaven. Amen.
...It's incredibly strange for me to watch the age difference between myself and those getting married to become almost ignorable. I'm 18 in a month and a half. ...God is going to have to force me into the dating pool. I'm completely uninterested at the moment, but thankfully I have alot of time.


Calendar Excitements:

• Only half my summer is over!
  
• 5 weeks total left of working at Old Navy until Christmas break (I worked 4 hours yesterday morning at my dad's office and then over 8 hours last night at ON and got off at 12:45 am this morning. YUCK.)
• A good friend who has been gone cabin leading at camp in Oregon all summer comes home Monday
• UW registration in a couple weeks (hoping for nutrition, biology, and calculus? or a fun class)
  
• Church campout the end of august
• Abbie comes back from TCL at the end of august (She left today and I am sad.)
  
• Going to visit my cousins in Kansas the first week of September
• September 15th, my birthday!
  
• UCU move-in date: September 25th
• UCU retreat at Lakeside (!) for a couple days after move-in
  
• UW classes start the last day of September
  

wow. what a month.
given it's not over yet, but my comment remains the same.
what. a. month.


The phrase "can't shake this feeling" is exactly how I've felt for the longest time. However, I can't necessarily pinpoint what that feeling is. The closest I can come to it is that it's like one day I forgot how to be carefree. Like I've been in some sort of funk for an unknown amount of time. I have no idea. It's the weirdest thing for me to think about.

This last week I was at Lakeside Bible Camp. It was a very different experience for me this year. Camp is usually the place to get away...have a fun break...be spiritually "reenergized". While we had an incredible speaker and I learned alot, met new people and generally had a good time, it was anything but a "get away". God wanted me there (and was testing me), I know that without a doubt now, but it was an incredibly emotionally and physically taxing week. I reached a point where I was fully packed, ready to leave early. However, God provides and he provided me an incredible amount of support I wouldn't have gotten in any other situation. He definitely gave me answers to and help with some long standing questions and feelings I have. ...had I known what it was going to be like beforehand, I can honestly say, I would not have gone up to camp at all, but having been through it now, I'm glad I had no clue what was going to happen and that I stuck it out. I really have been incredibly blessed.

As for the feeling, I still don't really know what it is, but this is no time to be in such a state. I have 2 months of summer left. College is coming. Big life decisions I need to face with clarity are on the horizon. It's time to shake it off! After this week, I feel like there are many more triumphs to come.



On a lighter note, I have been wanting to watch a movie all week. My parents rent like 3 every weekend so I was excited to get to see one when I arrived home from camp. They are currently watching a documentary about a man who tight rope walks...of all the movies...HA. Needless to say, my desire has yet to be filled, but I am entertained.
Here's to a new week!

oh money. (updated...again)

m-o-n-e-y
What to spend it on and what to save it for.
It's never been much of an issue for me...until now.
When I was younger, I babysat and did odd jobs to save up for a car until I was 16 and my parents gave me an allowance and helped pay for my stuff until I graduated high school.

But now...
I'm a high school grad and with more responsibility, comes more limits.

I no longer get 16 years to save for one important purchase that my parents will help me out on.
Now I get the monthly cell phone and car insurance bills and the unpredictabilities of a broken car window, not to mention the frozen yogurt I bought yesterday and the burger two days before and the t-shirt and tank-top from gap, and the movie ticket and the... and the... and the...

To be honest, if I have money in my checking account, then I totally don't sweat spending it. That's why I have a budget and a savings account right? It's just alot to keep track of.
And boy am I thankful I have a job...I work a little less than 30 hours a week and my ideal is 30 so that's going well. I realized 35-40 was a little lofty considering the amount of employees ON has and that I do want to have fun this summer as well as work.

Current thoughts on the golden doubloons:
a. I just spent $300 more on a macbook than I could have on a PC laptop.
b. Do I sell the free itouch I get with my macbook for $200 or do I keep it?
c. Do I spend $300 to be up at lakeside for camp in a couple weeks? I basically have to decide by 5:30 tonight.
d. By the end of the summer, I need to have enough money to get me through this next school year. Obviously, I can survive being the broke college student, but I'd rather not.
e. I'm currently estimating my car insurance and cell phones bills for the next 12 months to be about $1000. eeek.



Update:
a. I can afford it...and it is so so great.
b. I kept it :)
c. Did it.
d. Ran the numbers and I'll have like $200 a month. Plenty.
e. That's why I'm working 30 hours a week. Woo.

the 4th on vashon

I got to spend this gorgeous hot 4th of July weekend at my friends parents house on the shores of Vashon Island.
The highlights:

• many many games of Pinochle, Mille Bornes, Tripoli, and Crazy 8s
• the greatest water fight I've ever participated in

• observing 28 year old men throw fireworks at each other
• being part of the coordinated lighting of 28 mortars at the same time and holding a lit roman candle in my hand...and not having it be blown off

• hanging out with liz and phil's 8 week old puppy, indy

(my favorite picture this weekend)

I walked upstairs Saturday morning and Ethan was sitting at the table eating breakfast. He looks up at me and says, "You're beautiful," giggles shyly and scrunches his hands over his mouth. Adorable. I wish I could have gotten a picture of that sweet kid right then but I got this one instead.


Then a few pictures on macro...
and my fantastic weekend on Vashon came to a close.

I just bought...

for $1,099

and

for $41
and got
andfor free.

...yesss.

not my future.

Recently while cashiering at Old Navy, I had the misfortune of observing a very unhappily married couple and their children.
They walk up, mother scolding, children pestering, and father standing behind them with his clothing separated from theirs staring off into space. The mother is about to pay for her and her kids clothing when one of them decides they want to go grab another item.

wife (to husband): "Jake is getting something else so why don't you just put your stuff in our pile."
husband: "I thought you wanted me to pay for my own stuff?"
wife: "Our cards are to the same account so it's all the same money anyways."
husband: "No it's alright, I'll pay for my stuff."
wife: "Seriously, just put your stuff in the pile."
husband: ...
wife: "I guess this is what happens after 10 years."
husband: ...

Really?
"I guess this is what happens after 10 years."
I was shocked someone would so blatantly say such a defeatist and hopeless statement...
I mean how do you recover from that?
...I'm sorry I said our marriage is a failure?
I'm sorry I said I gave up when things stopped being easy
I'm sorry I said I don't enjoy being around you anymore
I'm sorry I said I'm not happy with our life together

It's no wonder so many marriages end in divorce with an attitude like that.

It got me thinking...
I'd like to say that if both people in a relationship try hard enough to make it work and are as unselfish as possible, that you can make any relationship work...and work happily. I do know however that there are exceptions, but you are still expected to make the best out of whatever life situation God has given you.

Granted I'm not married, but I hope to be someday and I pray I never end up like that.
...Oy do relationships take a lot of work.

of self

affliction, anguish, annoyance, apologies, bitterness, care, compunction, concern, conscience, contrition, demur, disappointment, discomfort, dissatisfaction, dole, grief, heartache, heartbreak, lamentation, misgiving, nostalgia, pang, penitence, qualm, regretfulness, remorse, repentance, ruefulness, scruple, self-accusation, self-condemnation, self-disgust, self-reproach, sorrow, uneasiness, woe, worry


Regret is an sad word.
I'd like to say I don't have any,
But I have many...
And I feel helpless to fix them.

This is a week of self-reflection for me.
I'm such a person of pattern, of habit, of familiarity, and of regret.
My priorities are mixed up.
I need to seriously consider what is important to me, what is good for me, and what I really just need to get over.
And for the first time in a long time, I actually have time to really consider...myself.
No summer homework, no school, no endless to do list.
I'm free.

Today I sat in a chair at the christian book store for an hour pouring over potential books for the new college group at my church.
However, I left the store by "chance", with a graduates bible.
I had been meaning to buy a small bible with a closure that I could keep in my purse for sometime now...but I didn't get around to it until now.
I looked through all the bibles and the only one I could find that fit my financial needs ($20) with my specifications was the graduates bible. It also happens to be a Holman Christian Standard Bible, which is the same translation as the apologetics study bible I bought a year or so ago (which I really like).

All this to say, I need to take full advantage of the time and material God is giving me.

I am reminded of Philippians 4:6-8 - "⁶Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ⁸Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. "
I know these verses, but my application is mediocre at best.

I begin a new phase of life today and I want to make the most of it.
So here's to a life of purpose and contentment.


achievement, amends, amusement, atonement, bliss, cheerfulness, comfort, compensation, complacency, conciliation, contentedness, satisfaction, delight, ease, enjoyment, fulfillment, gladness, good fortune, gratification, happiness, indemnification, indulgence, joy, justice, peace of mind, pleasure, pride, propitiation, recompense, redress, refreshment, reimbursement, relief, reparation, repletion, resolution, reward, satiety, serenity, settlement, vindication, well-being

1 week mark.

It's one week until I graduate.
Finals start tomorrow.

I get out to my car after school and notice a slip on my windshield.

...I got a parking citation.
SEVEN days. how is that for bad luck?
And I've never gotten one before.
It's almost funny.

graduation!

Today, I was called into my counselors office to recieve my graduation honors stole and cord...

AND
I got an official note stating I am the salutatorian!
and I don't have to stand on stage or give a speech!

i'm back once more.

I think this is the third blog I've had.
I feel as though I should start anew when I've gone through a particularly long dry spell.
So I have.

I graduate from high school in two and a half weeks, on June 9th. Unreal. I am ecstatic...
and a bit lost.
Nonetheless, I am looking forward to an incredibly long summer (almost four months!) and going to the University of Washington next year. All I know about that is I will be looking into a career in the medical field (currently liking the sound of being in nutrition or a PA) and that I will be living in the woman's UCU house.


As for this summer, things are turning out very differently than I had hoped. However, in the course of the last few days, God has definitely shown me where and what I need to be doing in the coming months and I feel an amazingly peaceful sense of direction in my life that I have been searching for fervently. At first, I was very disappointed that I was not going to be doing staff this summer at Lakeside...it seemed like the perfect opportunity. I have prayed about it alot, and while I was considering becoming lifeguard certified to do staff, I will not be doing so. I feel strongly that God wants me in a different place this summer.

My current plans are:
- working full time at Old Navy (eek...) AND getting a pay raise.
- looking for another job (in the food industry) so I can have two part time jobs and fold clothes for 20 hours a week instead of 40....
- participating in my church's one-on-one discipleship program!
- volunteering at my local food bank
- going on as many as 5 vacations (camping, senior trip, disneyland, church camp-out, and relatives in kansas)
- continuing playing drums for sunday morning services
- going on many day adventures (all the touristy things I have never done in seattle and much, much more)
- buying a laptop (i'm hoping to go with a macbook...but it seems a bit unrealistic for my current financial state.)
- and finally,

I am trying to start a college-age bible study/group at my church. I am super excited for it and hope all works out. It's really the one age group at our church that is left out...we have had one before but it fell through and I'd love to see it come back. I discussed ideas with a possible host/leader for the group and really want to make it inviting, fun, and in-depth. Study material ideas and activities (group sports, bbqs, boating, etc etc) are constantly running through my head. I need to work out some details and research some materials with my pastor, but all in all, though primitive, it is going well!

Ahh...summer. I cannot wait.