wow. what a month.
given it's not over yet, but my comment remains the same.
what. a. month.


The phrase "can't shake this feeling" is exactly how I've felt for the longest time. However, I can't necessarily pinpoint what that feeling is. The closest I can come to it is that it's like one day I forgot how to be carefree. Like I've been in some sort of funk for an unknown amount of time. I have no idea. It's the weirdest thing for me to think about.

This last week I was at Lakeside Bible Camp. It was a very different experience for me this year. Camp is usually the place to get away...have a fun break...be spiritually "reenergized". While we had an incredible speaker and I learned alot, met new people and generally had a good time, it was anything but a "get away". God wanted me there (and was testing me), I know that without a doubt now, but it was an incredibly emotionally and physically taxing week. I reached a point where I was fully packed, ready to leave early. However, God provides and he provided me an incredible amount of support I wouldn't have gotten in any other situation. He definitely gave me answers to and help with some long standing questions and feelings I have. ...had I known what it was going to be like beforehand, I can honestly say, I would not have gone up to camp at all, but having been through it now, I'm glad I had no clue what was going to happen and that I stuck it out. I really have been incredibly blessed.

As for the feeling, I still don't really know what it is, but this is no time to be in such a state. I have 2 months of summer left. College is coming. Big life decisions I need to face with clarity are on the horizon. It's time to shake it off! After this week, I feel like there are many more triumphs to come.



On a lighter note, I have been wanting to watch a movie all week. My parents rent like 3 every weekend so I was excited to get to see one when I arrived home from camp. They are currently watching a documentary about a man who tight rope walks...of all the movies...HA. Needless to say, my desire has yet to be filled, but I am entertained.
Here's to a new week!

oh money. (updated...again)

m-o-n-e-y
What to spend it on and what to save it for.
It's never been much of an issue for me...until now.
When I was younger, I babysat and did odd jobs to save up for a car until I was 16 and my parents gave me an allowance and helped pay for my stuff until I graduated high school.

But now...
I'm a high school grad and with more responsibility, comes more limits.

I no longer get 16 years to save for one important purchase that my parents will help me out on.
Now I get the monthly cell phone and car insurance bills and the unpredictabilities of a broken car window, not to mention the frozen yogurt I bought yesterday and the burger two days before and the t-shirt and tank-top from gap, and the movie ticket and the... and the... and the...

To be honest, if I have money in my checking account, then I totally don't sweat spending it. That's why I have a budget and a savings account right? It's just alot to keep track of.
And boy am I thankful I have a job...I work a little less than 30 hours a week and my ideal is 30 so that's going well. I realized 35-40 was a little lofty considering the amount of employees ON has and that I do want to have fun this summer as well as work.

Current thoughts on the golden doubloons:
a. I just spent $300 more on a macbook than I could have on a PC laptop.
b. Do I sell the free itouch I get with my macbook for $200 or do I keep it?
c. Do I spend $300 to be up at lakeside for camp in a couple weeks? I basically have to decide by 5:30 tonight.
d. By the end of the summer, I need to have enough money to get me through this next school year. Obviously, I can survive being the broke college student, but I'd rather not.
e. I'm currently estimating my car insurance and cell phones bills for the next 12 months to be about $1000. eeek.



Update:
a. I can afford it...and it is so so great.
b. I kept it :)
c. Did it.
d. Ran the numbers and I'll have like $200 a month. Plenty.
e. That's why I'm working 30 hours a week. Woo.

the 4th on vashon

I got to spend this gorgeous hot 4th of July weekend at my friends parents house on the shores of Vashon Island.
The highlights:

• many many games of Pinochle, Mille Bornes, Tripoli, and Crazy 8s
• the greatest water fight I've ever participated in

• observing 28 year old men throw fireworks at each other
• being part of the coordinated lighting of 28 mortars at the same time and holding a lit roman candle in my hand...and not having it be blown off

• hanging out with liz and phil's 8 week old puppy, indy

(my favorite picture this weekend)

I walked upstairs Saturday morning and Ethan was sitting at the table eating breakfast. He looks up at me and says, "You're beautiful," giggles shyly and scrunches his hands over his mouth. Adorable. I wish I could have gotten a picture of that sweet kid right then but I got this one instead.


Then a few pictures on macro...
and my fantastic weekend on Vashon came to a close.

I just bought...

for $1,099

and

for $41
and got
andfor free.

...yesss.

not my future.

Recently while cashiering at Old Navy, I had the misfortune of observing a very unhappily married couple and their children.
They walk up, mother scolding, children pestering, and father standing behind them with his clothing separated from theirs staring off into space. The mother is about to pay for her and her kids clothing when one of them decides they want to go grab another item.

wife (to husband): "Jake is getting something else so why don't you just put your stuff in our pile."
husband: "I thought you wanted me to pay for my own stuff?"
wife: "Our cards are to the same account so it's all the same money anyways."
husband: "No it's alright, I'll pay for my stuff."
wife: "Seriously, just put your stuff in the pile."
husband: ...
wife: "I guess this is what happens after 10 years."
husband: ...

Really?
"I guess this is what happens after 10 years."
I was shocked someone would so blatantly say such a defeatist and hopeless statement...
I mean how do you recover from that?
...I'm sorry I said our marriage is a failure?
I'm sorry I said I gave up when things stopped being easy
I'm sorry I said I don't enjoy being around you anymore
I'm sorry I said I'm not happy with our life together

It's no wonder so many marriages end in divorce with an attitude like that.

It got me thinking...
I'd like to say that if both people in a relationship try hard enough to make it work and are as unselfish as possible, that you can make any relationship work...and work happily. I do know however that there are exceptions, but you are still expected to make the best out of whatever life situation God has given you.

Granted I'm not married, but I hope to be someday and I pray I never end up like that.
...Oy do relationships take a lot of work.