the worst feeling in the world.

As I was contemplating life today ...hah I thought, love is deemed the best "feeling" in the world, though it is so very much MORE than a feeling, but what is the worst?

A major one people think of is heartbreak, but I don't think it is. Yes, heartbreak is terrible, but in order to be heartbroken, you had to, at one point or another, have had the best feeling in the world. I think that definitely detracts from its terribleness then the never ending argument of if it is better to love and lose than to have never loved at all. And so I thought some more about what it could be.

Anger isn't great, but it definitely has a purpose and need in life.

bitterness
That is what I think. I googled for some back up and this is what I found:

• definition: an expression of severe pain, grief, or regret; a characteristic of intense antagonism, resentment, hostility, or cynicism; a feeling that is difficult or distasteful to accept, admit, or bear; misery
• what the doc says: bitterness as a mental illness?
• biblical commentary: "Bitterness is one of the most crushing mental problems in a person's life. When a Christian is bitter, there is a loss of close fellowship with the Lord and a hindrance in one's relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ...Bitterness is neither consistent nor rational. A bitter person is his own worst enemy...selfish [and] inconsiderate of others." A bitter person may also put themselves in a state of implacability (unteachableness) and reject Biblical truth.
• verses: James 3:14 - "But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your heart, don't brag and lie in defiance of the truth."
• Proverbs 14:10 - "The heart knows its own bitterness, and no outsider shares in its joy."
• Isaiah 38:17 - "Indeed, it was for my own welfare that I had such great bitterness; but Your love has delivered me from the pit of destruction, for you have thrown all my sins behind Your back."
  

It is SO easy to be bitter and nothing good ever comes of it. I pray sometimes to not be bitter and I now realize how very important that is.

oh technology...

I was setting up all my new apple products recently and I stopped to consider the amount of technology we have these days. If I wanted to talk to one of my friends or let people know what I was up to, there are over 20 ways of doing so without actually physically being with them. On my cell phone, Twitter, Facebook, Gmail, Myspace, and Blogger. On my itouch, Facebook app, Twitter app, and all of the above through Safari. On my laptop, all of the above. On my desktop, all of the above. Then of course there is Skype, texting, calling someone, and using the good old USPS. And I'm sure I forgot some.

So I was sitting in my room and wanted to get on the internet...what do I use? My desktop, my laptop, or my itouch? Insane.

Technology is great. Great. Great. Great. Buuut, sometimes I have to remind myself that there are much better ways to spend my time...and to be honest, the excess amount of information on the web and internet choices have recently left me with little desire to use the www often. Like on FB...do I really care that the girl I sat next to in freshman english just took 30 pictures of her boyfriend and her and is now going to go shop for some cute boots? and if i'm just going to hide her on my newsfeed, then why am I "friends" with her anyways? The amount of fake friending online is ridiculous. If I'm never going to talk to you in real life, then I shouldn't and don't care about talking to you online. Although I wish it were not so, there is always a rebound in internet usage once the temperatures drop and the school year sets in. But in my time away from the computer, I've found that I like talking on the phone more than I previously thought, that it's so so much better to be with someone talking than to be online talking duh, and that I don't need as much alone time as I once believed I did. Good thing too, because I will have 3 roommates in a little over a month! My summer has been fantastic. I'm a very organized and clean person but I mean I don't even have time to clean my room because I'm either working or with my friends all the time. The change is satisfying...but the room does need to be cleaned soon. heh.

Something I'm looking forward to alot in the coming months is being in new or altered relationships, places, and situations. Making a house of strangers my good friends, not working, surviving and thriving in relatively impersonal education, not having to tell my parents where I am at all times, diving headfirst into God's word, being transparent. feels goooood...

land o' maple leaves

This last week I had the pleasure of having Thursday, Friday, and Saturday off. I wanted to take a trip to Canada for a couple days but other people were not available so it ended up being a day trip on Saturday to Vancouver with Hannah(her first time in Canada)! I spent about 8 hours driving and 8 hours hanging around the city and now I have $8 in Canadian money (loonies and toonies!) that I don't know what to do with ha.

Driving in Canada was...interesting. I passed about 3 speed limit signs in the entire city (there were many on the freeway though) and they were all really slow. That's probably why everyone drove at least 10 km/h over the speed limit at all times and usually much more. And I understand the idea behind blinking green lights...but they make for incredibly dangerous intersections. My day included lots of parallel parking as well (which always makes me nervous) but that's what it took to get free parking so I did it. Also, there are no freeway signs in Vancouver...at least not for the actual freeway (99) but there was for the alternative freeway that goes through every town between the border and Vancouver, takes twice as long, and is named 99a. Whoops.

Itinerary.
7:00a - Leave
7:30a - Finish using the one broken gas pump at Safeway
10:00a - Enter Canada, laugh at Hannah's passport photo, feel accomplished, cry, take memorable photos10:30a - Enter Vancouver
11:00a - Sophie's Cosmic Cafe - yummy thick french toast and waffles with berries1:00p - Stanley Park, walk the Seawall, laugh at Chevron gas station floating in the water, chase Canadian geese3:00p - Vancouver Aquarium, jellyfish room, dolphin show, beluga whales6:00p - Downtown, Kin's Farm Market, Cobs Bakery, Tim Hortons8:00p - La Casa Gelato - lemon raspberry sorbetto, delish9:00p - Follow signs on 99a
10:30p - Finally arrive at border, realize 99a is not hwy 99, desperate need to use restroom, try to eat a foot long cucumber before reaching customs officer
11:00p - US soil
1:00a - Home



I've decided that jellyfish are my favorite seacreatures. I think they are incredibly interesting, beautiful, and mysterious. Someday, I hope to own one, however unlikely. That would be SO so cool.

The rest of the photos.

thoughts

Right now I am doing a one to one discipleship study at my church with our associate pastor's wife (I couldn't have been blessed with a better discipler) and last week was the "attributes of God" lesson. We had studied this at camp the previous week too so I was excited to get it from another angle as well. Attribute #3 was omniscient: all-knowing; infinitely wise. It said this:

• "Think of His omniscience in relation to the certain salvation of the believer. If God knows all [past, present, and future], then obviously nothing can come to light after salvation which He did not know when He saved us. Knowing all about us, He still forgave our sins and accepted us into His forever family."

Isn't that an incredible way to look at salvation!? I mean it really blows my mind. I knew this already, but I had never had it stated to me in this way. It's like me knowing every hurtful thing a person will ever do to me (whether in thought, word, or action) and still loving and caring for that person wholeheartedly. I could never do that. I cannot even fathom God's perfect love. In-cred-i-ble.

We also talked about the end times at camp and one of the girls asked, "Will there be marriage in heaven?" My immediate answer was no (Matthew 22:23-30) and some of the girls were a little upset? or confused? by it. Why wouldn't we have marriage in heaven? I wasn't really sure at first. After thinking about it for a few minutes and hearing my cabin leader say that marriage is God's gift of the most perfect love we can have in a sinful world, I got it. Heaven is the place of God's perfect love and while marriage is based on love, earthly love is flawed. In a place of perfect love, everyone loves everyone equally and to the glory and love of God so marriage would be absolutely contradictory in nature to that because of its exclusivity and imperfection. Earthly marriage is but a small taste of the loving relationship we will have with God in heaven. Amen.
...It's incredibly strange for me to watch the age difference between myself and those getting married to become almost ignorable. I'm 18 in a month and a half. ...God is going to have to force me into the dating pool. I'm completely uninterested at the moment, but thankfully I have alot of time.


Calendar Excitements:

• Only half my summer is over!
  
• 5 weeks total left of working at Old Navy until Christmas break (I worked 4 hours yesterday morning at my dad's office and then over 8 hours last night at ON and got off at 12:45 am this morning. YUCK.)
• A good friend who has been gone cabin leading at camp in Oregon all summer comes home Monday
• UW registration in a couple weeks (hoping for nutrition, biology, and calculus? or a fun class)
  
• Church campout the end of august
• Abbie comes back from TCL at the end of august (She left today and I am sad.)
  
• Going to visit my cousins in Kansas the first week of September
• September 15th, my birthday!
  
• UCU move-in date: September 25th
• UCU retreat at Lakeside (!) for a couple days after move-in
  
• UW classes start the last day of September
  

wow. what a month.
given it's not over yet, but my comment remains the same.
what. a. month.


The phrase "can't shake this feeling" is exactly how I've felt for the longest time. However, I can't necessarily pinpoint what that feeling is. The closest I can come to it is that it's like one day I forgot how to be carefree. Like I've been in some sort of funk for an unknown amount of time. I have no idea. It's the weirdest thing for me to think about.

This last week I was at Lakeside Bible Camp. It was a very different experience for me this year. Camp is usually the place to get away...have a fun break...be spiritually "reenergized". While we had an incredible speaker and I learned alot, met new people and generally had a good time, it was anything but a "get away". God wanted me there (and was testing me), I know that without a doubt now, but it was an incredibly emotionally and physically taxing week. I reached a point where I was fully packed, ready to leave early. However, God provides and he provided me an incredible amount of support I wouldn't have gotten in any other situation. He definitely gave me answers to and help with some long standing questions and feelings I have. ...had I known what it was going to be like beforehand, I can honestly say, I would not have gone up to camp at all, but having been through it now, I'm glad I had no clue what was going to happen and that I stuck it out. I really have been incredibly blessed.

As for the feeling, I still don't really know what it is, but this is no time to be in such a state. I have 2 months of summer left. College is coming. Big life decisions I need to face with clarity are on the horizon. It's time to shake it off! After this week, I feel like there are many more triumphs to come.



On a lighter note, I have been wanting to watch a movie all week. My parents rent like 3 every weekend so I was excited to get to see one when I arrived home from camp. They are currently watching a documentary about a man who tight rope walks...of all the movies...HA. Needless to say, my desire has yet to be filled, but I am entertained.
Here's to a new week!

oh money. (updated...again)

m-o-n-e-y
What to spend it on and what to save it for.
It's never been much of an issue for me...until now.
When I was younger, I babysat and did odd jobs to save up for a car until I was 16 and my parents gave me an allowance and helped pay for my stuff until I graduated high school.

But now...
I'm a high school grad and with more responsibility, comes more limits.

I no longer get 16 years to save for one important purchase that my parents will help me out on.
Now I get the monthly cell phone and car insurance bills and the unpredictabilities of a broken car window, not to mention the frozen yogurt I bought yesterday and the burger two days before and the t-shirt and tank-top from gap, and the movie ticket and the... and the... and the...

To be honest, if I have money in my checking account, then I totally don't sweat spending it. That's why I have a budget and a savings account right? It's just alot to keep track of.
And boy am I thankful I have a job...I work a little less than 30 hours a week and my ideal is 30 so that's going well. I realized 35-40 was a little lofty considering the amount of employees ON has and that I do want to have fun this summer as well as work.

Current thoughts on the golden doubloons:
a. I just spent $300 more on a macbook than I could have on a PC laptop.
b. Do I sell the free itouch I get with my macbook for $200 or do I keep it?
c. Do I spend $300 to be up at lakeside for camp in a couple weeks? I basically have to decide by 5:30 tonight.
d. By the end of the summer, I need to have enough money to get me through this next school year. Obviously, I can survive being the broke college student, but I'd rather not.
e. I'm currently estimating my car insurance and cell phones bills for the next 12 months to be about $1000. eeek.



Update:
a. I can afford it...and it is so so great.
b. I kept it :)
c. Did it.
d. Ran the numbers and I'll have like $200 a month. Plenty.
e. That's why I'm working 30 hours a week. Woo.

the 4th on vashon

I got to spend this gorgeous hot 4th of July weekend at my friends parents house on the shores of Vashon Island.
The highlights:

• many many games of Pinochle, Mille Bornes, Tripoli, and Crazy 8s
• the greatest water fight I've ever participated in

• observing 28 year old men throw fireworks at each other
• being part of the coordinated lighting of 28 mortars at the same time and holding a lit roman candle in my hand...and not having it be blown off

• hanging out with liz and phil's 8 week old puppy, indy

(my favorite picture this weekend)

I walked upstairs Saturday morning and Ethan was sitting at the table eating breakfast. He looks up at me and says, "You're beautiful," giggles shyly and scrunches his hands over his mouth. Adorable. I wish I could have gotten a picture of that sweet kid right then but I got this one instead.


Then a few pictures on macro...
and my fantastic weekend on Vashon came to a close.