thoughts

Right now I am doing a one to one discipleship study at my church with our associate pastor's wife (I couldn't have been blessed with a better discipler) and last week was the "attributes of God" lesson. We had studied this at camp the previous week too so I was excited to get it from another angle as well. Attribute #3 was omniscient: all-knowing; infinitely wise. It said this:

• "Think of His omniscience in relation to the certain salvation of the believer. If God knows all [past, present, and future], then obviously nothing can come to light after salvation which He did not know when He saved us. Knowing all about us, He still forgave our sins and accepted us into His forever family."

Isn't that an incredible way to look at salvation!? I mean it really blows my mind. I knew this already, but I had never had it stated to me in this way. It's like me knowing every hurtful thing a person will ever do to me (whether in thought, word, or action) and still loving and caring for that person wholeheartedly. I could never do that. I cannot even fathom God's perfect love. In-cred-i-ble.

We also talked about the end times at camp and one of the girls asked, "Will there be marriage in heaven?" My immediate answer was no (Matthew 22:23-30) and some of the girls were a little upset? or confused? by it. Why wouldn't we have marriage in heaven? I wasn't really sure at first. After thinking about it for a few minutes and hearing my cabin leader say that marriage is God's gift of the most perfect love we can have in a sinful world, I got it. Heaven is the place of God's perfect love and while marriage is based on love, earthly love is flawed. In a place of perfect love, everyone loves everyone equally and to the glory and love of God so marriage would be absolutely contradictory in nature to that because of its exclusivity and imperfection. Earthly marriage is but a small taste of the loving relationship we will have with God in heaven. Amen.
...It's incredibly strange for me to watch the age difference between myself and those getting married to become almost ignorable. I'm 18 in a month and a half. ...God is going to have to force me into the dating pool. I'm completely uninterested at the moment, but thankfully I have alot of time.


Calendar Excitements:

• Only half my summer is over!
  
• 5 weeks total left of working at Old Navy until Christmas break (I worked 4 hours yesterday morning at my dad's office and then over 8 hours last night at ON and got off at 12:45 am this morning. YUCK.)
• A good friend who has been gone cabin leading at camp in Oregon all summer comes home Monday
• UW registration in a couple weeks (hoping for nutrition, biology, and calculus? or a fun class)
  
• Church campout the end of august
• Abbie comes back from TCL at the end of august (She left today and I am sad.)
  
• Going to visit my cousins in Kansas the first week of September
• September 15th, my birthday!
  
• UCU move-in date: September 25th
• UCU retreat at Lakeside (!) for a couple days after move-in
  
• UW classes start the last day of September
  

wow. what a month.
given it's not over yet, but my comment remains the same.
what. a. month.


The phrase "can't shake this feeling" is exactly how I've felt for the longest time. However, I can't necessarily pinpoint what that feeling is. The closest I can come to it is that it's like one day I forgot how to be carefree. Like I've been in some sort of funk for an unknown amount of time. I have no idea. It's the weirdest thing for me to think about.

This last week I was at Lakeside Bible Camp. It was a very different experience for me this year. Camp is usually the place to get away...have a fun break...be spiritually "reenergized". While we had an incredible speaker and I learned alot, met new people and generally had a good time, it was anything but a "get away". God wanted me there (and was testing me), I know that without a doubt now, but it was an incredibly emotionally and physically taxing week. I reached a point where I was fully packed, ready to leave early. However, God provides and he provided me an incredible amount of support I wouldn't have gotten in any other situation. He definitely gave me answers to and help with some long standing questions and feelings I have. ...had I known what it was going to be like beforehand, I can honestly say, I would not have gone up to camp at all, but having been through it now, I'm glad I had no clue what was going to happen and that I stuck it out. I really have been incredibly blessed.

As for the feeling, I still don't really know what it is, but this is no time to be in such a state. I have 2 months of summer left. College is coming. Big life decisions I need to face with clarity are on the horizon. It's time to shake it off! After this week, I feel like there are many more triumphs to come.



On a lighter note, I have been wanting to watch a movie all week. My parents rent like 3 every weekend so I was excited to get to see one when I arrived home from camp. They are currently watching a documentary about a man who tight rope walks...of all the movies...HA. Needless to say, my desire has yet to be filled, but I am entertained.
Here's to a new week!

oh money. (updated...again)

m-o-n-e-y
What to spend it on and what to save it for.
It's never been much of an issue for me...until now.
When I was younger, I babysat and did odd jobs to save up for a car until I was 16 and my parents gave me an allowance and helped pay for my stuff until I graduated high school.

But now...
I'm a high school grad and with more responsibility, comes more limits.

I no longer get 16 years to save for one important purchase that my parents will help me out on.
Now I get the monthly cell phone and car insurance bills and the unpredictabilities of a broken car window, not to mention the frozen yogurt I bought yesterday and the burger two days before and the t-shirt and tank-top from gap, and the movie ticket and the... and the... and the...

To be honest, if I have money in my checking account, then I totally don't sweat spending it. That's why I have a budget and a savings account right? It's just alot to keep track of.
And boy am I thankful I have a job...I work a little less than 30 hours a week and my ideal is 30 so that's going well. I realized 35-40 was a little lofty considering the amount of employees ON has and that I do want to have fun this summer as well as work.

Current thoughts on the golden doubloons:
a. I just spent $300 more on a macbook than I could have on a PC laptop.
b. Do I sell the free itouch I get with my macbook for $200 or do I keep it?
c. Do I spend $300 to be up at lakeside for camp in a couple weeks? I basically have to decide by 5:30 tonight.
d. By the end of the summer, I need to have enough money to get me through this next school year. Obviously, I can survive being the broke college student, but I'd rather not.
e. I'm currently estimating my car insurance and cell phones bills for the next 12 months to be about $1000. eeek.



Update:
a. I can afford it...and it is so so great.
b. I kept it :)
c. Did it.
d. Ran the numbers and I'll have like $200 a month. Plenty.
e. That's why I'm working 30 hours a week. Woo.

the 4th on vashon

I got to spend this gorgeous hot 4th of July weekend at my friends parents house on the shores of Vashon Island.
The highlights:

• many many games of Pinochle, Mille Bornes, Tripoli, and Crazy 8s
• the greatest water fight I've ever participated in

• observing 28 year old men throw fireworks at each other
• being part of the coordinated lighting of 28 mortars at the same time and holding a lit roman candle in my hand...and not having it be blown off

• hanging out with liz and phil's 8 week old puppy, indy

(my favorite picture this weekend)

I walked upstairs Saturday morning and Ethan was sitting at the table eating breakfast. He looks up at me and says, "You're beautiful," giggles shyly and scrunches his hands over his mouth. Adorable. I wish I could have gotten a picture of that sweet kid right then but I got this one instead.


Then a few pictures on macro...
and my fantastic weekend on Vashon came to a close.

I just bought...

for $1,099

and

for $41
and got
andfor free.

...yesss.

not my future.

Recently while cashiering at Old Navy, I had the misfortune of observing a very unhappily married couple and their children.
They walk up, mother scolding, children pestering, and father standing behind them with his clothing separated from theirs staring off into space. The mother is about to pay for her and her kids clothing when one of them decides they want to go grab another item.

wife (to husband): "Jake is getting something else so why don't you just put your stuff in our pile."
husband: "I thought you wanted me to pay for my own stuff?"
wife: "Our cards are to the same account so it's all the same money anyways."
husband: "No it's alright, I'll pay for my stuff."
wife: "Seriously, just put your stuff in the pile."
husband: ...
wife: "I guess this is what happens after 10 years."
husband: ...

Really?
"I guess this is what happens after 10 years."
I was shocked someone would so blatantly say such a defeatist and hopeless statement...
I mean how do you recover from that?
...I'm sorry I said our marriage is a failure?
I'm sorry I said I gave up when things stopped being easy
I'm sorry I said I don't enjoy being around you anymore
I'm sorry I said I'm not happy with our life together

It's no wonder so many marriages end in divorce with an attitude like that.

It got me thinking...
I'd like to say that if both people in a relationship try hard enough to make it work and are as unselfish as possible, that you can make any relationship work...and work happily. I do know however that there are exceptions, but you are still expected to make the best out of whatever life situation God has given you.

Granted I'm not married, but I hope to be someday and I pray I never end up like that.
...Oy do relationships take a lot of work.

of self

affliction, anguish, annoyance, apologies, bitterness, care, compunction, concern, conscience, contrition, demur, disappointment, discomfort, dissatisfaction, dole, grief, heartache, heartbreak, lamentation, misgiving, nostalgia, pang, penitence, qualm, regretfulness, remorse, repentance, ruefulness, scruple, self-accusation, self-condemnation, self-disgust, self-reproach, sorrow, uneasiness, woe, worry


Regret is an sad word.
I'd like to say I don't have any,
But I have many...
And I feel helpless to fix them.

This is a week of self-reflection for me.
I'm such a person of pattern, of habit, of familiarity, and of regret.
My priorities are mixed up.
I need to seriously consider what is important to me, what is good for me, and what I really just need to get over.
And for the first time in a long time, I actually have time to really consider...myself.
No summer homework, no school, no endless to do list.
I'm free.

Today I sat in a chair at the christian book store for an hour pouring over potential books for the new college group at my church.
However, I left the store by "chance", with a graduates bible.
I had been meaning to buy a small bible with a closure that I could keep in my purse for sometime now...but I didn't get around to it until now.
I looked through all the bibles and the only one I could find that fit my financial needs ($20) with my specifications was the graduates bible. It also happens to be a Holman Christian Standard Bible, which is the same translation as the apologetics study bible I bought a year or so ago (which I really like).

All this to say, I need to take full advantage of the time and material God is giving me.

I am reminded of Philippians 4:6-8 - "⁶Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ⁸Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. "
I know these verses, but my application is mediocre at best.

I begin a new phase of life today and I want to make the most of it.
So here's to a life of purpose and contentment.


achievement, amends, amusement, atonement, bliss, cheerfulness, comfort, compensation, complacency, conciliation, contentedness, satisfaction, delight, ease, enjoyment, fulfillment, gladness, good fortune, gratification, happiness, indemnification, indulgence, joy, justice, peace of mind, pleasure, pride, propitiation, recompense, redress, refreshment, reimbursement, relief, reparation, repletion, resolution, reward, satiety, serenity, settlement, vindication, well-being